The child is the father of the Man

[7 min read]

‘Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honor thy father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise, that it may be well with thee, and thou may live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath, but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.’ This quote is taken from the book of Ephesians 6, where Paul admonishes the Ephesian church on the essence of family.

Hold up, this is not necessarily a religious article, I just had to bring in this part of the Bible that a lot of us like to quote in relation to parents and children. So, stay with me. 

Since the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown, a lot of adolescents and adults have been relegated to staying indoors for long hours with their parents, compared to the past where school has kept distance between them and their parents. As such, I have listened and spoken to quite a number of individuals about what conversations and cohabitation within the lockdown period has been for them. It has further confirmed to me, what I know about life: there is always two sides of the divide and the grey areas. 

For most of the people I was able to speak to, there was one thing they had in common, they prefer long distance relationships with their parents. This is because, being around them in a confined space for a period as long as this lockdown has been has proven that cohabiting with the older generation is not always easy. I mean, look at our generation, we are challenging stereotypical and cultural norms, we are moving towards an area of better rights for women, thousands of sources of information are at our disposal thanks to search engines and social media platforms; this does not mean that our generation is perfect, but we are, dare I say, progressive. A lot of us have been schooled up until the university level of education and as such, have gathered information about a lot of things, interacted with people and have started shaping the course of our lives. A lot of us have beliefs that are different from our parents, in terms of religion, culture, relationships, food and even tolerance. We have carved our own niche; so spending this much time in lockdown with our parents has made some less tolerant of them and some, more appreciative of them.

The first few weeks since I came back, I had issues communicating and adjusting into the style of my family. To be honest, there are a lot of things I have avoided doing when I am at home, not because they are shady or bad, but because I know the end point of such acts. Conversations have been the bane for me this period. It is as though everything I say is wrong, young and myopic, until one of them realizes it is not or someone on the television corroborates my stance. It hurts to be honest, to feel like your voice does not matter because you are too ‘young’ to understand the world. When they eventually realize you are right, do they say "Nice one, Mary"? No. It becomes an “Oh, I just discovered this” kind of scenario. Speaking to others, I realized that for some, lack of personal boundaries and respect for personal time and space is an issue. Others, were not as ‘fortunate’ as some as they got exposed to undiluted abuse, emotional and physical long term.

Now, do not get me wrong (you would not, if you have been following), our parents are not perfect, but who is anyways? However, it is important that we do not become the parents that we are complaining about today. The child is the father of the man after all. Many of our parents are who they are right now because of the kind of families they lived in while growing up. Some recognized the toxic nature of their upbringing and have tried to train their children better, while for some, the toxicity has eaten so deep that they do not even count their acts as being wrong. It is already a part of who they are. Thus, for the present generation of soon to be parents, it is important that we do better.

It is important that we do not provoke our children to anger or discourage them. It is important that we build children who are willing to be transparent with us, children who are not afraid to speak their minds in front of you, children who can teach you to be better and up to date on things going on in the world. It is important that we break the cycle of toxicity in that family line, to break the cycle of mistreating spouses and enslaving children. All this seems like theoretical talk right? More like wait till you become a parent to understand right? But it is not. It is in the way we act with our younger siblings and subordinate. Do we treat them the same way our parents treat us? Do we respect their autonomy? Do we silence their voices and discourage them all the time? Do we provoke them to anger? There is the Yoruba adage my mother says, that being an adult is an opportunity to cheat the child. How about we be proper adults? You would realize that there is more to be learnt from the next generation, just as there is much to be learnt from yours.

Let us also learn to honor our parents, let’s be patient and tolerant of them. Let’s meet them on a polite and understanding playing field. They have been in the world longer than we have been and being in animosity with them keeps us from being able to learn from them. 

The Yorubas say, the hand of the young one cannot reach the shelf, and that of the older ones cannot enter the calabash. We all need ourselves eventually. Do not forget that the child is the father of the man and we should all try to be better parents.

In conclusion, ask yourself am I part of the problem or part of the solution?

For more context on this topic, please check out Jamike's 'The wisdom of the grey' and my 'African big people'.

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