How To Chat - In a Kolanut

[5min Read]

Yes, "In a kolanut". Were you expecting "In a nutshell" ? Well I have news for you 'reader' - This is Nigeria. If - of course, you're reading this from another country, well sorry but this post was still written on this) It will however still help if you really want it to.....

So anyway. Have you ever talked online to someone who seemed as if they were just BORN to annoy the entire internet out of you? Or have you been told you're the most annoying person to chat with in the history of instant messaging?

Well  fear not!! You are not alone. We've got 10 simple tips on 'How to Chat' in this post. Just for you......or them, whoever needs it most really.  Many have faced this kind of situation a lot of times, some, more than others.

I will admit, sometimes I try hard to accododate for the abnormal grammer or lack of sense in conversations. But sometimes there's just no saving something that was dead on arrival. Some people honestly need tutorials.

If you've got a person like that on your contact or messenger list (anyone of any kind of social network) just send them the link to this page. "HOW NOT TO CHAT" We'll open up the chatting rule book for them. (And we'll do the rest. Probably) But if they continue to act a nasty type of way

Then it probably means they really don't want to talk to you.

Sorry.

If you were referred here. It probably means your chat game is wack. So before giving up on you, they want to give you a chance to become a good player in the conversation game before they leave you in 2018.

1. Try NOT to use "Don't Worry" when asked a slightly personal question, unless...

You don't need anybody in your life.

Well if you don't want the person to ask you any personal question at all. Then this is an important point for you.

Chat 1:
Her: Hi
You: Hello
Her: What's your name?
You: Don't worry.
Her:.....Um...I'm sorry what?
You: Don't worry
Her: .....
You: Don't worry about that too

2. Never Use "k"

If of course you really dislike the person your chatting with ur want to end the convo there. Go ahead then. If not avoid using this short as MUCH as possible. It's like a taboo in the chat world. No seriously. It is. Google the thing.

#shrugs

Other short forms like lol, aii, kk, ok are also among for people as well. Honestly responding to EVERY SINGLE THING with "lol" or "aii" will make people wonder whether things are proper in your head.

- "His father died"

Lol

- "He's dropping from 400 level because he has no more money"

Lol

- "I love you"

"aii"

NO.

JUST NO.

3. Be Polite and Respectful

*Sprinkles gentleman sauce all over keyboard*

Ever heard that song 'Rude' by Magic? Ok, good, it's not exactly what I'd like to refer to here, but on a side not, please do NOT be like that guy that's going to apparently "Marry that girl" RME. ( ie Rolling My Eyes)

Everyone deserves a little respect - even if they're not exactly the kind of people you would like to be chatting with. Not everybody can be Usher, Bobby Valentino or John Legend. Some people have to be the Terry Gs of the chatting universe.

Him: What's goin on today?

You: Not really any of your business
Him: Oh sorry....just wanted to know how your day went. What do you want to talk about then..... :) ?

{20 mins pass}

Him:.....Um....would you at least tell me why you won't talk to me though?
You: Yeah. You're thirsty
------your chat partner has angrily disconnected ------

Cure yourself. Please.

4. Know Your Limits

There are certain things you just cannot say and certain questions you just cannot ask, (most especially right off the bat). Asking things like

"Are you a virgin"

"Gimme your number" (Unless you know them well enough anyway)

"Send me ur pix"

"Who's your gf"

"Where do you live"

Or saying right off the bat

"I Love You"

"You're the most beautiful creature I've seen in my life"

"I love your muscles"

"Hello mumu"

May be allowed in private convos after you get to know someone quite well or even during Truth or Dare convo sessions, but definitely not in the first sentence you send. Or even after a few minutes. It's just not okay.

5. Be Appropriate. Disciplined. Have Sense.

Use that thing up here please.

It's probably NOT a good idea to start off a chat saying "Hey babe wanna be my third sidechick?" Or "What's up d***head?".

EVER.

EVER EVER.

There are some people that might entertain such statements, but I'm betting that the majority of the chat world WILL NOT.

There IS such a thing as "social etiquette" and it applies to ALL social interactions if every kind. Online or otherwise. Treat everyone like you would want yourself (or your sibling even) to be treated. Fairly, equitably and most importantly humanely**.

Avoid anything to make the other party feel angry, slighted or uncomfortable. Like;

"Ehen, sexy what's up for dinner?"

"I need you to send me some credit"

6. Try To Respond In Tune

Talk at my level please.

If someone sends you a 27-word sentence please avoid responding with a 4 or 3 letter one. It's discomforting to put so much effort into chatting & the other person doesn't try at all.

Look at the other person sentences and try to either reduce your sentence length or increase it. Add a lil something to spice it up a bit. Try and empathize with them a bit.

It's just like making soup/stew. You know when there's far too much pepper(too many words yo) or just not enough salt(you can't say it's becuz you stammer. Just type something more joor).

7. Don't Spam Emojis

Smileys/Emoticons are pictorial text representations used to show the extent of emotion or feeling/depth in or aroused by a sentence(Information). But sometimes the way some people use it. ...you might be afraid that they feel too much :| .

You have to be careful not to use too many smileys. It makes you look silly and far too playful and even village-like. Yes even village-like. The reason being that you look like someone who's never used a start phone or even ever seen a smiley in your life. The excitement is much ba?

It goes for not using ANY smileys at all. Some people are used to it, dome people just don't mind to it. It's all relative however - depending on you and the person your chatting with as well. No need to be emotionless, in my opinion.



8.  Try To Avoid Abrupt Endings

One minute here. Gone the next.

You know how no matter how eager you are to get home from a flight, you don't just jump out the airplane to reach it faster?  Yeah? Well it goes for convos too yknow....

Her: Hi

You: Hello

Her: how r u doing?

You : I'm fine. U?

Her: Doing okay actually.

You: Okay. Goodnight. 

9. Be Adaptable.

Go with the conversation flow and avoid any stagnation as much as you can.

You know how you're told mosquitoes breed in stagnant water? Well 'Ticks' breed in stagnant chats yknow - Ticking the other person off constantly till they just give up on the chat.

-You start off a chat about ponies.

-One hour later you're still discussing ponies.

-Tomorrow you come back and try talking about ponies.

-Next week the topic is still ponies.

-On their matriculation and grad day you're still on about these ponies.

Well. You must be a one trick pony. (Please tell me you got the pun)

The other guy/girl? I'd really be surprised if they don't delete you or instead, in frustration, go massacre some ponies.

10.  Avoid reading messages you know you don't want to reply anytime soon.

Chei! I mistakenly opened this guy's message. Damn!

Please. Do NOT read a message if you know you don't want to reply to it anytime soon. Avoid that as much as possible. I'm sure there's little more frustrating to a person than seeing a message you sent being read then waiting for hand a day for a reply.

Even worse if the reply turns out to be 'K'

Like... why would you do that?

Thanks for coming here
Love, Stars and Jam

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