Ten things to never do in Nigeria

This is a short list describing several (actually just 10 :P ) things you should probably never try doing in good ol' Naija. Not just for your sake, or ours too. We have a reputation you know.... :| A good one..... i mean.

1. Buy ****D Shawarma:
Honestly? There are some shawarmas that exist in this world that if you had eaten or tried them first, your love for shawarmas would be sorely inexistent, This type happens to be one of the traitors to that tasty shawarmas name. I have recently changed the name of the institution which offers this shawarma. Those of you who know me will know it all shaa....


2. Buy a pink jeep
DO I even really have to expatiate? On a normal day sef....why would you?! But why.... :(

3. Laugh at a native doctors relatives. (Unless of course if you're a very strong Christian. But then if you were why exactly would you be laughing at a native doctors familia? )



4. Eat black colored rice:
Honestly I'm really sure by now if you've lived here long enough that you've seen many colors of rice. White, yellow, orange, green, and maybe some stranger colors too. I'm sure however, that you havent seen black rice. If you do, please run away. It's most likely evil or something yknow..


5. Date and breakup with a witch
Honestly? You sealed your own fate sef. You didn't see the tell-tale signs when she summoned food out of the air into the kitchen, never ate with you, only watched, and always wore black; black lipsick, black dresses, black socks, black underwear, black dentures and black contacts - like all black in here eyes, no iota of white anywhere. Like seriously though, why would you...?

6. Buy or prepare passports, ID's, drivers licences or any other official documents.
You're just steadily buying jail time small small...


7. Trust any security guard at an office of any kind to do the work you're meant to inside the main building.
These people bring a whole new meaning to the world "tout". Some are so wicked that they will charge you for the rubbish quality they do at the same price as the real one.

I remember when I went to a MTN branch office in owerri to get my sim card converted to a microsim and almost got it destroyed by a "security man turned clerk" at the doorside. Mtcheew.


8. Buy any phone at the roadside, especially if it looks like it has no branding AT ALL. Or if it sounds generic and loud and has bright blue colors everywhere.
One word. CHINA

Need I say more? I think not....


9. Show a police officer a toy gun or paint gun as a threat
My sister/brother, whoever you are - it seems your time has come and you know it. Why else you do such a wonderful thing; others who are a bit too stupid are fighting fire with fire, you went for a higher level and you are now fighting fire with gasoline

Amazing.


10. Steal meat from the soup pot

It's your house!! Take it with pride!! The lashing that is si=ure to follow and give you tribal marks is nothing. After all, you're hungry and craving for a lil animalia.

If, however, you're a grown man and you;re either stealing meat from your OWN pot, or that of your wifes'. Well...I don;t really have any more words. You try shaa. All the suya outside shaa....


Thanks for coming here :)
Love, Stars and Jam