Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea (The Buhari-Atiku Duel)

[5 min Read]
At the very height of the Late Sunny Okosun’s legendary career he did ask a question.  A question so relevant, in 2018, it rings loudly in our ears like an approaching Helicopter flying low. His words were, “…which way Nigeria?”

Quite simply, our current location is between the devil and the deep blue sea, sandwiched between the rock and a hard place, attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis (if the ‘nerdville’ is your niche).

When one finds himself between the devil and the deep blue sea, he's toast. 

Summary? I think we’re toast as a nation.

Roped between two particularly uninspiring major Presidential candidates ahead of the 2019 polls. With the gubernatorial elections in Ekiti and especially Osun states as prophecies of things to come next, you have this columnist’s permission ride on the pale unicorn otherwise called pessimism.

The shocking and ultimately devilish election that brought in Governor Gboyega Oyetola in Osun state has suffocated any optimism for decent polls in 2019. Awful sign of things to come 

Let’s not waste much precious time debating the ‘third forces.’ In a Nigerian electoral system, they stand a Narco as Pope’s chance of winning. Practically impossible.

. Third force? Oh give me a break. These guys couldn't even unite to support a consensus. 

That leaves us with two Septuagenarians to pick from. Oh how delightful. The gods of the land must be orgasmic to have blessed us with these two exciting choices. We should dance in the rain and offer some palm oil in gratitude.

I know like every self-respecting armchair political analyst, you probably have made your choice of the duo. Either The sitting President who was a former Military Head of State or a former Vice President. When written that way, it makes my stomach churn. 

For the President, it’s simply an application for what has become some sort of an inheritance to politicians globally- the Second term.

His argument is pretty simple and along these lines; “The People’s Democratic Party (PDP) ruined this nation during their 16 year tenancy in the castle of power, it’d take more than 4 years for me to reasonably make a lasting change. So how about we move to the Next level?”

The argument is pretty simple:It’d take more than 4 years for me to reasonably make a lasting change. So how about we move to the Next level? 

Basic and I dare say commonsensical. It almost passes the test of logical reasoning except for a few flaws. First, realistically and historically speaking, Nigeria’s ruin did not start during those 16 years. The guys in khaki did more to rip the nation apart to shreds during their junta days than did the PDP.

Don’t even get me started about that very fine man called General Sani Abacha (who by the way, had his integrity vigorously defended by President Buhari). “Abacha never stole a kobo”, the President was once quoted to have announced. I kid you not folks, he said it.

Back to the real story though, the President rammed his way into Aso Villa in 2015 in the bulldozer of integrity and anti-corruption. Like the thirsty traveller who gets excited at the sight of water only to find out it’s only a mirage, Nigerians wanted the Doctorate Degree-wielding Otuoke son out of power so desperately, they didn’t mind the Retired General’s age, health nor past. He was afterall, “a converted democrat.”

His hate speech about “Dogs and Baboons getting soaked in blood” and his profound love and support for the spread of Sharia law were quickly forgiven and forgotten (I mean, ”to err is human and to forgive is divine” Amen?) then he was crowned emperor of the Nigerian Kingdom.

What could go wrong? Surprisingly, quite an awful lot.

Almost 4 years after that coronation and boy has it been a strange ride. The Late American actor-turned-President, Ronald Reagan once gave us in 1980, a simple yardstick for measuring whether or not a government deserved a thumbs up or another one of the fingers (I’m not vulgar, I’m not telling you which). His conclusion was for the electorate to ask a simple question;

 “Are you (we) better off today than you (we) were four years ago?”

“Are you (we) better off today than you (we) were four years ago?” Ronald Reagan once asked. Interestingly, Atiku asked Nigerians the same only recently.

Nigeria now sits comfortably as the poverty capital of the world ousting India in a bloodless coup (the type the Retired General knows all too well). As a health practitioner in training, I know for a fact that many of those above the poverty lines (especially Civil servants) are only a moderate to severe ill health episode away from excruciating poverty. It explains why recent elections have been decided by meagre amounts paid to the populace.

Weaponize poverty and the masses would do your bidding. Then you can do the 'fly like an airplane' dance (or whatever on God's green earth the man is doing in that photo) on your inauguration day. 

When you weaponize poverty, the masses would do your bidding. We probably are not doing well economically it would seem. So what? We are fighting corruption aren’t we?

One of the worst scams ever sold to the Nigerian populace is the current anti-corruption fight. Lopsided to start with. An anti-corruption fight and Presidential body language that has resulted in looting with reckless abandon especially of funds allocated to the IDPs is enough to be celebrated as a huge joke the size of our National debt (See what I did there?).

The Academic Staff Union of Universities is on strike. In other vital and previously unknown piece of news, fire is hot. So education hasn’t been exceptional either. Health? No progress whatsoever. Now the Nigerian dream for any Medical Doctor is to love Nigeria with the whole of his/her heart when he/she starts practicing in the UK, US and Canada. Can I get a Hallelujah?

ASUU is on strike, fire is hot, airplanes fly and your book of other stories. 

Security? Between watching the men of the armed forces shot on camera by the “technically defeated” Boko Haram to the President’s near ridiculous handling of the Fulani Herdsmen business (where the Inspector General disobeyed a direct order to relocate) and the tragic and heart-wrenching claims that the armed forces are under-weaponized, you wonder if these guys up there have consciences dissolved in acid by the stew-maker.

Basically leading those young, brave lads to certain, gruesome deaths.

“I get your point, but he’s frugal, has integrity and he’s not corrupt”. This is the line of pro-Buharism. Really? Someone fails with drowning colours in the Economy, Security, Education and health and folks think his frugality is what will keep the Nation from complete asphyxiation?

The Buhari faithful would have you believe his perceived 'Body language',  'integrity' and  'frugality' is some way the key that unlocks all of Nigeria's problems. A narrative that performs remarkably woefully in the test of logical reasoning.

The WAEC certificate episode, the forever hanging question on his health as a man and the strange odd stories here and there about his Ministers and cabinet members amongst others are the minor issues.

The WAEC certificate episode was a new low in the National discourse. One worthy of tears and gnashing of teeth (as against the shameless laughter in the photo).

Problem is, we’re back in 2015. Remember the thirsty traveller analogy? Exactly. The Buhari government has been so particularly woeful, Waziri Abubakar Atiku is beginning to look like a genuinely serious option.

A Former Vice President and perennial Presidential Primaries loser with a controversial and definitely corrupt past is the alternative to President Buhari. A man who probably wants to be president to add to his CV. The thought of that causes nausea.

Something about this man just isn't convincing to this columnist. Maybe, just maybe it's this columnist's distrust for perennial losers in Presidential elections either primaries or general (A department the current President once chaired)

The Buhari faithful has made it a point of duty to point out Atiku’s shady past, his alleged corruption case in US and the fact that he’s PDP as the reasons he shouldn’t be President.

Problem is, he only recently rejoined the PDP. The man heavily donated to the President’s successful campaign in 2015. Rumours abound that his private jet was the President’s transport in those days of campaigning. See where the corruption argument becomes funny?

Both elders are scheduled to debate January 19th. I absolutely, positively do not look forward to it and you shouldn’t either.

The two Septuagenarians debate sometime in December. I assure you, there's not a lot to be excited about. No butterflies

The idea that only one of these two can realistically win the presidency should be mourned by all and sundry. Either way, no real good news.

L-R. Atiku (72)  and Buhari (76). The idea that only one of these two can realistically win the presidency should be mourned by all and sundry

Sunny Okosun, we now know which way your fatherland is heading to. It’s towards the cliff Chief, towards the bloody cliff.

Which way? Towards the cliff, Sunny

The song was recorded in 1984.

Fun fact: Guess who Nigeria’s Military Head of State was when Sunny famously asked that question. I’d give you a clue. He was the ‘Father Theresa’ who wore the honorary anti-corruption badge proudly on his heart.

Go figure.




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