We all tend to classify trauma in different grades, according to the situation it was experienced in, thinking that less trauma requires less effort to heal, and we tend to ignore people that need support, or believe they can do it all on their own, forgetting that no-one is the same, and that everybody handles trauma, even the littlest types, in different ways.
Consider a person who just got raped. Male or female, maybe he/she made a naive decision or was unfortunately a victim of circumstance. The last thing such a person needs is to be laughed at, or queried as to how they let themselves be put in such a position.
Yes, I know I cannot simply compare a rape victim to a person that had a phone stolen. The former evokes a massive amount of trauma and psychological damage. But a victim is STILL a victim. One may be more a victim than the other, but is still a victim nevertheless.
At that moment, what that person is thinking revolves around what they did wrong, they're blaming themselves in every possible way, sooner or later they'll look for someone else to blame for their condition - anyone who suggested anything to them that's related to the circumstances of their pain, anyone who didn't help them or made them make different choices that resulted in those circumstances, anyone anywhere anytime involved in anyway.
A victims' mind is always in some amount of turmoil, trying to process the events that happened and find reasoning why it happened to them.
The last thing someone who went through any type of trauma needs is stigmatization. We look differently at those who have been attacked in life, and worse yet we classify them. There are some 'victims' a lot of people avoid like taboo. That's why families hide away their daughters that have been raped and hush them up - afraid that it will affect their 'marriageable' status, hide away those that are mentally sick from society so that they won't be seen as that madman/madwomans family.
The truth is; the last thing a 'victim' needs is pity. What they need you to give them is strength. To remind them that their lives are not defined by the conditions set upon them by their circumstances.
Do you know anyone who had some sort of unfortunate event of any grade come upon them? Here are a few steps to helping them, without it feeling like choking them.
1. Ask them what happened.
Let them take their time and pace to speak. Do not interrupt or laugh. It's only distressing to most people. Unless a large amount of time has passed after it happened, most people are sensitive about the things that happened to them.
Note that not everyone is forthcoming, and it may require some patience and effort to get information, or you may have to get it from another source - but always verify it, because second hand accounts tend to widely vary, especially as it passes from person to person. Especially in Nigeria where people tend to dramatize events to engross their audiences. It will surprise you that you can tell a person their story and it will contain details they've never heard before.
2. Let them express themselves in their own way.
When talking to them about it, let them fully express themselves. A lot of people don't know that talking about something helps you overcome it's hold on you. It has a releasing effect on your psyche. It helps you heal. They may want you to understand what they went through, their position in all this, and how they felt at that time. What they need is empathy, not particularly sympathy. There IS a difference.
3. Offer to give advice
Do not force your own brand of 'wisdom' down their throats. Regardless, they may still accept it nevertheless. But not everyone is the same. Most people don't even listen to a person who's been through a traumatic event, and immediately begin telling them "what they should have done", "how they should have done it", and what they "did wrong".
All that stuff can come later, sometimes most if it isn't necessary even. Sometimes the best you can do us recount a similar experience you've had, and how you overcame it. To prove to them they aren't alone.
4. Encourage them
Most people, after having a traumatic experience, become withdrawn from society - sometimes either out of shame, fear or confusion. The world at that point becomes very uncertain to them. Nothing really makes sense as much as it should. Things have gone wrong, and they don't particularly see or understand a reason why.
What they need you to do is remind them to be strong. Help them come out of any shells they've put themselves in, and help them see that they define the world and circumstances they live in, and not the other way around - no matter what happens.
5. Support them.
This support can be direct or indirect. It mostly depends on the person involved, as well as the circumstances of the events that took place. Call them often, ask them what they need and what you can do for them, and gently offer advice of how they can deal with the after effects of the trauma.
Different people sometimes need different kinds of support. Sometimes the offer itself is more important than the 'offering'. Just knowing someone is there for you can do wonders.
I wrote this article, not because I am a 'victim' seeking comfort for tragedy of any kind, but to help people understand how to help others heal.
On that note, I'm going to make a lot of lifestyle changes. One of those includes no longer sending broadcast messages for the blog. I'll let my blog content speak for itself. If you like a post, or the blog as a whole, I ask that you kindly share them. Frankly, without readers, this blog would not be much of anything. What would be the use of me reaching out to the world if nobody hears your voice?
That's where you come in. Whoever you are; reading this, or just glancing by. Stop here. Take a moment and share. There are countless victims of one crime or the other all over the world. Countless people that need motivation to take the steps that could change their entire lives forever. Countless people who would like to help others heal, but just do not know how.
You could be a star in their world of darkness. To be the light of escape they didn't know they could find...
Heal The World.
Love, Stars, and Being strong...
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1. The New Normal
2. Is it worth it? Being a "Nice Guy"
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