Bitter Like Pride

“A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.”  ― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I used to hold grudges a lot when I was younger. Planning for Africa, what I would do to all those who hurt me.

Dark, desperate, damaging thoughts.
I would not let these thoughts of revenge go. No, no... I would not let a single person get away with hurting me, or betrayal. I would not let a single tear slip unremitted.


Yes. Back then, my heart was a hurricane - complete with black rain and heavy-set wind.

I discovered, in time - of course, that I couldn't remember all these things of course. I could remember faintly the things that were done to me. I could remember most of how I felt. I could remember that I planned to get revenge. But I couldn't quite remember why it was really all that important.

I was holding on to feelings of malice that I had believed were normal. It was hoping for evil. Clinging to the vestiges of despair that drifted around me - because I thought I had no light. All for the sake of "doing back".

But that was long ago. I have looked into the future, and I have seen what I want, and what I don't. You see - when you're 85 years old, and all you have left with you 24/7; are your memories, your pictures and mind - you'll remember those things you could have done and should have done.

That little bit extra that wouldn't have killed you - But just may have saved your friendship, your business, your career, your marriage, or even someone's life. That memory could be a bitter black gel in the back of your mind,  and the taste never really fades away....

It's why I say hello even when I don't want to. It's why I call on their birthdays even when I might not talk to them the rest of the entire year. It's why I put in that "little more" effort, that "extra" in all I do. I do all I can now - in this moment. Because this moment is mine, and I refuse to give it up to hatred. To laxity.

I want to be happy. Not just now. Not just tomorrow - But in all the tomorrows  still to come. Knowing, that I did my best, that I made my sacrifices and I held tight to every piece of happiness that ever drifted my way.

It's tough when you muse for 50 years over the step forward you didn't take. The amends you didn't make. And all the silly little grudges you didn't break. No. It's not revenge, and it's definitely not sweet. You're holding onto empty air. It leads and takes you nowhere. It drowns your happiness and it chokes your joy. There is no ecstasy in it. No, no...It's not sweet in the slightest.

It's bitter like pride.



Let's drop pride... before it drops us.
Love, Stars and Bitter sweets.


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