Merry Christmas Zimbabwe

Previously on this column, we examined elephants, grass, nuclear warheads and two guys who are not BFFs. Read up pal! at Bend the Knee

On the 21^st of November 2017, 13:53hours, Christmas came early for Zimbabweans. Good ol’ Saint Nicholas and his 8 Reindeer and pulled sleigh transport decided to make an early stop in the landlocked Southern African nation.

Taking delivery and having the additional honor of unwrapping Santa’s present to the nation was Parliamentary Speaker, Jacob Mudenda. The unveiled present was a piece of paper with the Zimbabwean Presidential Seal and a very familiar signature.

The moment  Speaker Jacob Mudenda read the Former President's resignation letter 

It read;

“…I, Robert Gabriel Mugabe, in terms of Section 96, Subsection 1 of the constitution of Zimbabwe, hereby formally tender my resignation as the President of the Republic of Zimbabwe with immediate effect…”

After 37years of rule and a week he (Robert Mugabe) never believed would come, the marriage was over. For some 6 days, the Zimbabwean military executed ‘non-coup military coup’, placed the 93 year old and his 52year old Wife Grace Mugabe under house arrest. That was the first step in a sequence of well-planned events for the funeral of the 37 year old dictatorial reign.

Dancing began on the floor and gallery of the parliament. Grandpa Rob was gone for good

The move by the nation’s defence forces had all the trappings of a coup, but couldn’t be tagged that for the fear of backlash and condemnation from foreign governments (which would most likely have been hypocritical as Mugabe leaving office was good news). For that reason, the ‘Comrade’ was shown in photos with the generals apparently smiling to mask the tense situation that was his arrest. 

He was also allowed to attend a university convocation ceremony while still under arrest. All was planned.

His grip on power at this point was only as strong as that of baby seal on a mission to climb a tiled wall

Except one.

First it makes sense that stupid people don’t last in power as much as Mugabe did. The sly old fox must have had, in addition to a tendency for ruthlessness and brutality (a signature of dictators), few tricks up his sleeves.

He reached into his rich reservoir of tricks and pulled one off.  ‘Grandpa Rob’ refused to resign.

The military was hardly prepared for such situation. They perhaps felt he’d know his time was up, and wave the white flag on the spot. They, and the observing world at large, were in for some surprise.

You didn't think for a second I was going to go down easily did you? 

The conclusion? The military operation was not enough. The Khaki guys would have to take the back seat for the next stage of this process.

Up next to make a significant contribution to the end of the reign was his political party, ZANU-PF. The party leadership immediately fired Grandpa Rob and ‘Gucci Grace’ (nicknamed by Western Media due to her lavish spending on shopping trips). This was followed by massive anti-Mugabe protests (in the past these were extinguished by the military at Mugabe’s behest).

A kiss once betrayed a Saviour, Transfer of government by kiss? Easy stuff 

The old man’s grip on power was fast slipping away, but somehow he held on, probably still believing there was a way out - a development that would have been devastating news for the generals.

You know, “If you ever get a chance to strike at a Black Mamba, you have two choices; RUN AWAY (A very wise choice), or strike - and DON’T YOU DARE MISS”. That was the case of the generals. They couldn’t half-execute the process. Mugabe HAD to go absolutely, otherwise, if he survived, he’d have their heads on pikes.

Dictators are tough-looking and all sorts, but they are very nervous people. Nervous and insecure. You don’t stay that long in power trusting and smiling so much. Distrust is an asset for dictatorship. Problem is whenever anything makes them nervous and they survive, well they burn the whole house down. Everyone involved, however little role is played is dealt with. Basically, a big time purge is ordered. That was the only fate awaiting the generals if the mission failed.

But it didn’t. The final straw was the beginning of impeachment proceedings by the parliament, during which Grandpa Rob gave up and resigned. Ousted. 

Haha... you sure didn't see that coming Grandpa, huh?

The crisis began on November 6, when Mugabe fired Emmerson Mnangagwa as vice president, in an apparent attempt to clear a path for his wife, Grace Mugabe, to succeed him. Grace Mugabe had castigated him for causing divisions in ZANU-PF. Shortly after, Grace expressed her intentions of taking up the Vice-Presidency post.

Matrimony and Politics. Grace was Robert's anointed successor. 

Formerly-fired Vice President, and Newly sworn in President Emmerson Mnangagwa, is an interesting character. Every despot has his Sicilian-styled Caporegime. A hitman of some sort. A man with ice in veins, and whose heart is a playground for polar bears - ice cold. A man who executes purges. The man who gets his hands dirty, to keep the strong man in power. These men are instrumental to the success of a dictatorship.

The new Zimbabwe President was that man to Mugabe. The one who pulled the strings.

L-R; Mugabe and Mnangagwa in the good days. Mnangagwa's effective ruthlessness was the oil that kept the dictatorial government machine moving 

His resume? How does Intelligent Chief, Military of National defence, close ally of the military and the man widely believed to be responsible for Gukurahundi massacres in the 1980’s in which thousands of Ndebele civilians sound? You get full marks if your first guess is, “Badder than Leroy Brown” (who according to Jim Croce’s reliable reports was badder than King Kong and the junkyard dog).

Did I forget? He is nicknamed "Ngwena" which means "the crocodile" in the Shona language for his resilience and ability to survive whatever the situation and whatever the cost.

They bite really hard don't they? He's a crocodile Gucci Grace, don't test him, I'm serious, he'd chew you up and spit you out, so don't ever test...oh dear, too late

So it made no sense whatsoever that Gucci Grace engaged in a pissing contest with THIS MAN. It however made some sense as he was her rival to the Zimbabwe throne and by his nature, he probably had a little something in store for her as surprise anyway. (He was Vice President and potential successor). She took a shot first. A pre-emptive strike. 

Thing is, he’s not called “Crocodile” for no reason, he survived. Kids, need I remind you what happens when you hit a reptile and miss? The crocodile responded. Gucci Grace made the over 16,000 Newton biting force, and slamming jaw of a crocodile, her place of rest.

She was toast and then, the old man himself was toast. Two for the price of one.

The 75 year old Emmerson was sworn in 24^th November as new President, and it is left to be seen if Zimbabwe really would be moving on from ruthlessness - or if it’s just an upgrade on the same operating system of government.

President Emmerson Mnangagwa

Gibson Lovemore, a street vendor seems to think it’s the latter, his words; “We have got rid of a snake, and replaced it with a new snake”

Whichever way, the world will be more keen and will be finding it soon enough. Personally, I do not think the new President will be able to stay that long, even if he wants to, before he’s given the boot.

Till then, Dear Zimbabweans, we raise our glasses to celebrate with you.

Salud Zimbabwe! 

Auld Lang Syne! Salud! Makorokoto!

Pretty sure citizens form Angola, Cameroun, Equatorial Guinea, Republic of Congo and Uganda will be hoping for the same Christmas. The Gambians have settled in nicely with theirs that came in late January. A break-away from sit-tight leadership.

Mugabe figuratively out of the picture and literally expelled from club of grandpa rulers. It'd be take several Christmas miracles to get these men off their dictatorial bums! Come on Santa,  do it for Africans.

Oh, and sorry for the many reptile references. You cannot unread them unfortunately.

Mazvita uye akaonekana navo!