When They Don't Love You Back

[5min Read]

It took me a while to understand that not everyone that I'm attracted to, will be attracted to me back.

A very long while. I had to go through depression, numerous rejections, wrong decisions, bad advice and a rollercoaster of worldview changes to understand that.

And the end of it all is a single simple point. We are all human. We want what we want. And sometimes we simply can't help it.


I didn't have a lot of self-esteem when I was growing up. A far cry from my sunny side up-always personality of today. So when I liked a girl, and I was advised by my friends to tell her how I feel - bloated up by their hopes and promises that "everything would work out fine", it was crushing when I was told that the feeling was not mutual.

I didn't understand it. I did everything "right". I was the nice guy. I sacrificed. I was honest. I went out of my way to try new things - just because of love. It always worked in the movies. And the romance books. Surely all those things couldn't have been 100% lies. Even when the girl didn't fall for the guy in the beginning, it would happen sooner or later right? It didn't. And it broke me. It filled me with anger. Something was missing. It had to be. Something was wrong with me. It had to be. What else, could explain this after all?

For years, I lived with that mentality. No matter how many times I heard "Jamike, I'm sure many girls are tripping for you", or "I'm sure you have many girls", it meant nothing to me. First of all, it wasn't happening. At least I never saw it. I believed something was wrong with me. There had to be. Why else would the people I so thoroughly loved, never turn my way? There had to be a problem - and I was resolved to fix it.

And so, for years I voraciously digested tons of self-help articles, relationship advice articles, tips on relating with the other sex - all in a bid to "fix myself". To rip out the flaws that had hindered me from getting "everything I had ever wanted".

I was desperate. Yes, I had some measure of love, from my friends, family and acquaintances. But it was never enough. I always felt like I needed 'that one person'.

After the last incident of disappointment that I had several years ago, I fell into depression for a long while. A lot of the heartbroken micropoetry I wrote for my Instagram and Whatsapp status were either formed during that time, or are drawn from the emotions I felt in those days.

And while I am no longer depressed by the thought of people I wanted, not wanting me back - some days, I still fall into a dark mood swing. Where everything feels wrong, and the world seems to want to move on without me.

Unrequited interest/love is a painful feeling. Especially when you see the person you're dying for, living with someone else.

This is what unreturned love feels like.

It feels like a drug. Promising to be everything you need, to make you feel alright. Until you can't get it. And then you see your medicine in the hands of another. Healing, somebody else's soul.

Then the world starts to spin, and all the universe feels like it's the wrong place to be. "How could they?!!", You ask. Why would they give someone else the love they refused to give you. "It's NOT fair!!" Logic doesn't apply here. Only pain.

Everytime you think about the situation, you start to feel sick in your stomach. Your head aches. Your eyes spin. Everything feels wrong. Your hands are shaking. Your heart isn't beating the right way. You can't stay upright. It's hard to breathe. Your chest is too tight. You feel nauseous - It feels like you'll vomit out your dizzy soul. Your body doesn't move the way you want it to. You can't stay still. You need to walk this feeling off. But you feel like you'll fall if you dare to take a step.

It hurts. This... This isn't what love is supposed to feel like.

I, like many of you out there, have struggled with this feeling. And I realized it all stems from one thing. Believing you deserve their love no matter what. That you would sacrifice anything for them, means that they should too. 'That's how love works right?' Being able to do anything for the one your heart sings a chorus for. They'll hear the song. They'll love it. They'll see it in your eyes. They have to.

You're wrong.

Nobody owes you anything. Nobody. And you don't owe anybody anything as well.

It took me getting advances from people I had no/little interest in, to finally understand. Some of them were very attractive. Highly intelligent. Easygoing and enlightened. Many had all sorts of qualities that I had always wanted in a relationship partner. But sometimes, it just wasn't enough - or it didn't feel right. I simply didn't have those kinds of emotions for them. The love simply did not click.

And that's when I understood how the people who rejected me felt. Sometimes it's not that something is wrong with YOU, or that something is wrong with THEM. Sometimes there just aren't any feelings there.

And these days, If I have interest in someone who has none back and wants nothing to do with me, I just walk away. I can't kill myself for someone who will live for somebody else - happily and with a great and extreme joy. I had to stop basing my happiness on the probability that another person will give it to me.

Though yes, I will admit, that just because there isn't anything there initially doesn't mean something cannot grow later. But that's a far-reaching hope. One I will not readily encourage. Because the further you reach, the more painful it can be when you fall flat on the ground. And you start remembering all the "efforts" you made to make them love you. You can start feeling falsely self-righteous, getting angry with them and throwing the blame of your misery on them. Attacking them and all sorts of things, all in a bid to get some relief for your love-wearied heart.

You need to understand that we can't always love the people who love us back. Sometimes there isn't any logic to it. And anger about it will solve nothing. But understanding this fact can change everything for you. You'll find that you're able to let a lot of things go.

And there will finally be peace in that long beating heart - because it won't keep beating for one who is deaf to it's tune.

Thanks for reading.
Love, Stars and Jamike

---------------------------------------------
Did you like this article? You can read other great ones like;
1. Respect - Worldwide
2. Eleven Types of Nigerian Visitors
3. THE JUNE 12 THING